The Horrors Of Ouran
by Dreamweaving
Summary: Watanuki gets swept up in the insanities of the infamous Host Club. And Tamaki needs his eyes checked.
1. Enter Ouran

Inspired by the fact that certain family members of mine can't guess Watanuki's gender. I've have several of them call Watanuki "She" when watching Holic with me. Poor boy.

* * *

Watanuki's eye twitched slightly at the horrifying scene before him. This was supposed to be the music room, wasn't it?

So then why in the world were there rose petals swirling all around and a bunch of guys dressed like pirates all posing dramatically? And it seemed the whole room was done in complete pirate theme so that it looked like a ship.....

"Welcome, fair maiden." The blonde one said, holding out a hand towards him. "Do you desire to board this ship, destined for treasures beyond your wildest dreams?"

"M'Lord, I do believe that's a man." One of the twins said, giving Watanuki a strange look.

"Nonsense!" The blonde insisted, taking a few steps closer and causing Watanuki to back away from him. The blonde paused, suddenly looking unsure for a moment.

"Er...." Was all Watanuki could get out.

The blonde coughed. "I am Tamaki. Captain of this vessel. And this is the rest of my crew. Kyoya, Hunny, Mori, Hikaru, Kaoru and Haruhi." He indicated each one as he said their names. "Won't you come sail away with us?" He re-offered his hand.

"Is this the music room?" Watanuki managed to ask, his voice quiet from the shock.

"That's not a girl." Hikaru insisted.

Tamaki looked doubtful again. He eyed Watanuki from head to toe. Watanuki suddenly wanted very much to be far away from these strange people. What on earth was wrong with them?

Tamaki looked a bit embarrassed. "Ah....You are a male aren't you?"

"....Yes." Watanuki answered. How on earth could the idiot not tell?

"Well then, off you go." Tamaki said, abruptly, seizing Watanuki's sholdors and turning him around to push him towards the door. "This club caters strictly to female clientele."

"W-What? Club?" Watanuki asked, confused. "Then this isn't the music room?"

"This is the old music room." Kaoru supplied.

"We use it for club meetings." Hunny added.

"Your looking for room 604 on the fifth floor." Kyoya stated.

"I see...." Watanuki said, trying to halt his forward movement. He was going! He did not need to be pushed around like this!

Suddenly, Tamaki removed his hands and Watanuki fell backwards from the lack of force behind him. He landed very hard on his back. Tamaki had a look on his face as though he'd realized something wonderful.

Watanuki attempted to use this chance to scurry out the door but he wasn't quick enough and Tamaki grabbed his arm and dragged him to his feet. "I know! I just had a brilliant idea! You could join our club!"

"No. I think I...." Watanuki started to protest.

"It certainly wouldn't hurt to have more members." Kyoya said, giving Watanuki a thoughtful look. He tugged out a calculator. "If I'm correct we could probably expect at least a 36% increase in income if he learns quickly."

"Umm.... Excuse me...." Watanuki said, raising his trembling hand in an attempt to halt them before things got even more confusing.

"He looks like he can learn quickly." Tamaki said, nodding. "And his appearance will surely be a big hit with the girls."

"Now wait just a minute!" Watanuki yelled, alarmed. What kind of club were they exactly?

"What's your name?" Hunny asked, bounding up to him.

"Kimihiro Watanuki" Watanuki answered without thinking. He was too busy trying to figure out what was happening.

"Yay! Come on Kimi-Kim! We can have cake and you can hold Bun-Bun if you like!" Hunny said cheerfully, shoving a stuffed bunny into Watanuki's arms and dragging him to a table loaded with sweets.

"No....Wait....Listen...." Watanuki protested, unable to break free of the small boy's grip. He was forced to sit at the table where a plate of cookies and cakes was placed before him while Kyoya and Tamaki discussed his fate near the door.

"It's no use trying to say anything." Haruhi said, patting him on the arm. "They never listen anyway. It's best to just let them calm down first."

Watanuki sighed and, upon seeing the expectant look on Hunny's face, began wearily eating some of the sweets on his plate.

Why on earth did he ever agree to come to Ouran anyway?

~Owari~


	2. Enter Doumeki:Sequel

Okay. I did a sequel. Couldn't help it. But this ISN'T a chapter fic. N.O. It would never get finished if it were!

* * *

Watanuki thought it was bad enough that he was stuck in this damn club with a bunch of crazy boys who wanted to force him into ridiculous outfits. I mean, it was like he'd suddenly been cast into the clutches of several male Yukos who didn't drink!

But this was too much.

"Oy. More tea."

Watanuki felt the anger bubbling, but he didn't scream. Being rude got you **_"The Look"_**from Kyoya Ootori. And **_"The Look"_** was terrifying.

"Kyaaa! Who's that handsome young man at Watanuki-Kun's table?"

"Iyieee! He's so dreamy!"

"What uniform is that? Why is he here instead of at his own school?"

The clients were scary but...

"Isn't it obvious? They are secret lovers, separated by cruel fate and forced to attend separate schools! Their families learned of their forbidden love and so Watanuki-Kun was sent here to Ouran! But his tall, dark, handsome, mysterious lover could not bear to be without his darling's sweet kiss and warm embrace! And so he rebelled, skipping his classes to be in the company of his one true love!" Renge cried into her microphone, making elaborate motions with her arms as she spoke.

The clients got more and more excited with every word as Watanuki grew more and more disturbed.

Where the hell did she get such far-fetched and creepy ideas? Doumeki, his _lover?_** Hell NO.**

"Oy. Tea won't pour itself."

He opened his mouth, and immediately closed it as Kyoya's eyes turned his way. Silently, he poured the tea.

"Look, they compliment one another so well! With Watanuki-Kun's soft, angelic beauty and his lover's dark, mysterious and handsome appearance... Aaaah~! Wonderful!" Renge exclaimed.

"Wonderful." All the clients repeated, dreamily.

Watanuki inwardly groaned.

"Oy."

"What?" Watanuki grumbled softly.

"Where are we anyway?"

"Grrr.... You followed me here and you don't even know?" Watanuki hissed quietly.

"I was paying attention to other things." Doumeki admitted, staring dully into Watanuki's eyes.

"Like what?" Watanuki asked, nervously.

"Had a nice view." Doumeki replied, shrugging, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips slightly.

"What view?" Watanuki asked suspiciously.

"You."

"Dammit, you!" Watanuki finally snapped, standing up and waving an arm at the archer. "YOU THINK YOUR SO FUNNY, DON'T YOU?!"

"Look at the tension! Sexual-frustration builds so quickly for him! He has to yell to relieve it! And he's too embarrassed to whisper to his lover in public. _Oh darling, take me now... Let us find some place where we can share our love in a more sensual way... Away from prying eyes~!_"

Oh God. He'd never wanted to hit a girl before in his life, but Renge was INSANE.

On the other side of the room the twins stood, watching.

"Huh... looks like those two are winning away our clients." Hikaru remarked.

"Our brotherly-love bit just looks fake in comparrison to a _real_love between two men." Kaoru replied.

"Ah well. Less work for us." The said in unison.

And to Kyoya's surprise, they did not see the increase he had calculated.

That day they saw a 67% increase in their profits.

* * *

Ta da! Done! No more! You get this sequel and nothing more! (Sticks out tongue) So nyeh!


End file.
